Eight Steps for Emotion Regulation
Emotions play important roles in people’s daily lives; however, being always aware of one’s emotions is not easy. Especially, when people experience difficult situations, they tend to become slaves to their emotions and quickly react to external events, saying or doing things that are not helpful or constructive for themselves and others. Thus, learning skills to regulate emotion will improve one’s quality of life. Emotion regulation is self-care and helps you care for those around you, too.
The goals and purposes for emotion regulation:
To be adaptive and resume feeling peaceful, hopeful, confident, and positive toward life. Give yourself a good narrative and believe it. Reality is created by yourself. Remember to increase self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-care.
Here are eight steps that you can practice to better regulate your emotions.
1.Increase your awareness of changes in your emotions. Be your own observer.
2. Name your feelings. Are you feeling anxious, sad, angry, disappointed, disgusted, overwhelmed, hurt, scared, vulnerable, helpless, etc.? Anxiety, worries, and depressed feelings are common and normal human conditions. Identifying them helps you learn how to manage them better and not be overpowered by them.
3. Pause. When your mind is racing, or you are ruminating, blaming, or lashing out, say “Stop” to yourself. Don’t hop on the negativity bus in your head! Leave the triggering scene and person if necessary.
4. Do something to distract reactive emotions and calm down the nervous system by going to your emotion regulation toolbox.
For example, you can try:
Deep breathing for 2 mins
Listening to meditation or music
Walking outdoors
Mentally going to your calm/safe place
Doing EFT (emotional freedom technique) tapping
Paying attention to positive events
Seeing silver linings in difficult situations
Doing the five senses exercise (list three things you see, hear, smell, touch, and taste)
Taking a bath
5. After you cool down from an emotional red zone to a green zone, you can try to understand what is being triggered and ask why (usually, triggers are past unresolved wounds, critical inner voices, negative beliefs about ourselves and others, etc.). Try to recognize relevant cognitive distortions and defense mechanisms, if you can.
6. Take actions to express your feelings and needs, such as arranging a peaceful conversation, writing a letter, and letting others know how you feel. Explain with patience and use “I” statements such as “I feel…” instead of blaming others (e.g., saying “You make me feel…”). Try to teach others to have a better understanding of your feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and needs in a calm, peaceful, and coherent way. Oftentimes, others don’t have an idea of what you want and feel, and you cannot assume they truly understand your needs. Humans are complex! Maybe the only things we can control are our own responses and perceptions, not anybody else’s.
7. If necessary, seek help from your resources. In general, all people have three types of resources: a) internal resources, such as healthy coping skills, self-esteem, finding solutions, resilience, courage, and our value systems; b) interpersonal resources, including support from good friends, family, community, and therapists, etc.; and c) transpersonal resources, such as spirituality, nature, symbols, crystal stones, pets, etc.
8. Look for the big picture: Examine people as evolving multidimensional beings, on different stages in different areas on a developmental journey. We are all a work in process. No one is perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect. Allow ourselves and others to make mistakes; increasing tolerance for limitations and imperfections in ourselves and others. We are all learning, growing, and evolving at a different pace no matter how old we are. Being a human is hard with many challenges. But life is good. The meaning of life is defined, found, and created by yourself.
© 2024. Dr. Lucy Xiaojing Ma. All Rights Reserved. dr.lucyxma@gmail.com
